All this was energising,in various ways. Ultimately it was exhausting.

I have wondered if my belief,then,that long hours were essential was an attempt to justify to myself the price that politics had already exacted. I missed important events,damaged relationships – but all this could be redeemed,or at least explained,if I had not really had a choice,or if there had been some higher purpose. Which of course is the reason I gave too – perhaps not entirely consciously – for the compromises I made with my own beliefs and moral instincts. These exacted less cost at the time,but far more later.

This past week I have felt conflicted,observing debate over the court case – now in mediation – in which Sally Rugg,chief of staff to independent MP Monique Ryan,sued Ryan and the Commonwealth over her working conditions,reportedlyincluding 70-hour working weeks. The conflict I feel isn’t over the case,the specifics of which none of us know. It is an internal conflict,over my own memories and my own attitudes towards them.

So far,I have highlighted what was hard. But it is also true that my time in politics was satisfyingly difficult and often exhilarating;I will always be grateful for it,and have recommended such jobs to others. Once you have lived through something it can be difficult to untangle the strands. Which parts could have been cleanly cut off,leaving the rest intact?

The price of entry was the willingness to put the job first,by a very long way;those who refused to pay that price were not doing their part.

The other question I have struggled with is whether it is possible for that culture of adrenaline and overwork to change that much. Politicians will always be convinced this is the most important thing they will do;and people willing to submit themselves to their whims will always,for the most part,be young,with all the hunger and lack of perspective that brings. Many of them,politicians and staffers both,will believe,because it is true,that there is far more to do than can be done in the time they have.

More and more,though,I think these questions have the wrong focus. One’s own experience can sometimes be a poor guide,in part because it is narrow. There are obviously deep problems in the working culture that has existed for so long at Parliament House,one criticised in the Human Rights Commission’sSet the Standard report. That culture has had far worse consequences than any I experienced,sexual harassment and assault among them.

And I cannot,on reflection,help but feel – as the report suggests – that all the troubling elements of that culture are bound up with each other. Long hours,hostility,moral compromise,as well as sexism,abuse and silence:all triumph in a place that glorifies conflict and places victory above all else.

Changing that culture will be extraordinarily difficult;in part because it is so easy to lose perspective in that strange environment. But difficulties can be overcome when change is genuinely necessary. We are surely long past the point at which we should understand that the hours and atmosphere not only inflict harm – which should be enough reason for change – but deprive politics of too many good people with important knowledge of the world:too many older people,people with varied experiences,people with kids,people who simply refuse to work in an insane workplace.

Those who do the jobs suffer;those who don’t do the jobs miss out. And our politics – which affects everyone – suffers too.

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