“My family and my husband have all been absolutely onside with the principles of dying with dignity,” she says.
In forming their views,neither Cherryl nor Ron,who died last September at the age of 87,had religion to contend with.
Cherryl’s father was Jewish,her mother Scottish and Indigenous. Neither was religious. She was born in St Kilda and flourished in its bohemian,intellectual,Jewish cultural milieu.
In her late 20s,Cherryl and Wilkins,due to his media work,travelled widely,partying with the famous and glamorous.
She says she breezed through school because she “grew up with civilised parents in a house full of books”. Ron,a keen student of philosophy and history,also loved books and,as Cherryl says,“bought books by weight”.
Ron arrives
On Christmas Day in 1975,Ron Barassi came to visit a terminally ill Wilkins at Cherryl’s family home in Elwood.
She knew nothing about football. There had been a standing family joke about her fondness for arty and gay men. “My father used to joke,‘Why don’t you bring home someone like Ron Barassi?’”
A few months after their first meeting,the two dined together at a Japanese eatery in the CBD – the beginning of a 50-year relationship. They married in 1981.
At night,they would debate politics and philosophy,agreeing that when they grew old,ill or both,they would leave the world at a time of their choosing.
After visiting many friends and family in aged care homes over the years – including close family in extreme circumstances – they would despair for people who clearly did not want to be there.
“These places are often like the land of the living dead,” says Cherryl. “Many people there want out,but we torture them with laws that don’t let people go until they’re virtually on their last breath.”
Ron made Cherryl promise she would never allow him to end up in such a place,which prompted them to make sure their family and lawyers were aware of their wishes.
Sadly,due to a fall,Ron did end up in aged care in high care.
A Demon in distress
Cherryl says her husband,the man described by Age journalist Greg Baum as the “single biggest figure in postwar Australian rules football”,died an unnecessarily slow and painful death.
Even though Ron had age-related memory loss,diagnosed as dementia,Cherryl stresses he was able to care for himself,work out at the gym,and play a mean game of chess until the final months of his life.
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Less well known is that Ron also suffered from increasing problems with oedema,a heart-related condition that leads to a build-up of fluid,painful swelling and discomfort. Cherryl says this caused the fall that required Ron to go into care;massive doses of painkillers made him less coherent.
“I’d like to publicly clear this up because his memory loss was not extreme.” She says the real killer was the oedema. Eventually,he had so much swelling,he couldn’t sit,stand or lie down. “He didn’t know where to put himself.”
Ron Barassi was legendary for being tough,feisty and competitive – the bigger the challenge,the more his eyes sparkled.
In 1965,the Demon captain left his dominant,premiership-winning team to captain-coach a lowly Carlton. By 1968,they’d won a flag. He took North Melbourne from wooden spoon to their first VFL flag in 1975. He was involved as a player and coach in 17 grand finals for 10 premierships by the age of 42. But he could not beat oedema.
“It was the only time I ever heard Ron complain,” Cherryl explains. “He put his head on my shoulder and said,‘It’s awful.’ I remember thinking,‘It must really be awful.’”
This,despite the great work of those who cared for him daily. “The underpaid Nepalese nurses were angels.”
Cherryl pleaded with the medicos to help Ron go. “They all knew he wasn’t going to get better. In that last year,I battled this wall of bureaucracy,trying to relieve his suffering.
“The doctors and health bureaucrats would say,‘There’s nothing we can do;it’s just the law.’ And I’d say,‘Well,the law’s not working for people.’
“I think I was the biggest nuisance they’d ever had.
“Ron had to get to the stage where doctors said,‘He’s actively dying’ before they let him go. I said,‘You should have done that a year ago.’”
Back to square one
At home after her attempted overdose,Cherryl is biding her time.
“I’m back at square one,and,at my age,I still don’t like the look of my future,especially under existing laws.”
While in hospital,Cherryl had to endure assessment by multiple medicos,including two teams of psychiatrists on consecutive days.
“The first team declared me sane. The second lot asked,‘Do you have any questions for us?’ I said,‘Yes. Do you agree with me about my right to die?’
“They looked at each other and said,‘Yes.’ They’re in the same trap as the rest of us on this issue.”
Cherryl fears that,instead of looking after their constituents,governments are captive to churches,big pharmaceutical corporations and the aged care sector.
“They’re listening to those who make money out of unnecessarily prolonging life;they’re not listening to the people.”
She fears our freedoms are being “systematically stripped away”. “My excellent GP is restricted in what he can prescribe for me now. I guess ‘big brother’ has me on a list. I’m sure ‘big sister’ would be more compassionate.
“I will need care soon,” she says. “Please let me have the freedom to choose not to have that future. Why take up space and staff in an overburdened medical system when I don’t want to be there?”
Cherryl hopes her strong views about the right to choose a peaceful death will stimulate private and public debate.
“They’ll be coming to lynch me – you know who you are,” she laughs. “And to you,I say,‘You’re welcome.’”
If you or anyone you know needs support callLifeline 131 114,orBeyond Blue 1300 224 636.
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