The de-friending phenomenon,particularly among middle-aged men,has been receiving attention recently from psychologists,spurred by research into the long-term health costs of loneliness (social isolation has been shown to reduce longevity:in Australia,women live on average four years longer than men).
“Many men,whose identity is tied up with their job,are happy to let their wives be their social director,” says Greg Pankhurst,a clinical psychologist whose client base in western Sydney is mainly male. “This can become a problem if a marriage breaks down,or after retirement if a bloke’s social network has been limited to his work colleagues.”
When men are asked why they don’t have mates outside their wife’s social network,they usually plead lack of time or that they can’t be bothered. But can this really just be chalked up to emotional laziness? Could it be that some heterosexual men feel weirded out by pursuing friendships with other men,out of fear of it being perceived as gay?
Pankhurst believes this may be a factor,even in a country like Australia with a long tradition of mateship. While the richness of female friendship is so often celebrated (from the filmSteel Magnolias to the Netflix hit Dead to Me),close male friendship is often patronisingly described as a “bromance”.
Studies consistently show that women not only have more close friends than men but are more likely to keep them over a lifetime,notes Pankhurst.
“This is a hangover of traditional gender roles. Working-class men also find it more challenging to reach out[for counselling] than white-collar men.”
Men become especially bad at forming friendships as they grow older,when it becomes more important to do so.
A released late last year found almost one in five men had no close friends (compared to about one in eight women),and suffered far greater loneliness after retirement.
Pankhurst’s simple message for men is to stay in contact with their friends. “The best support is the informal kind,from mates who genuinely like you.”
To read more from Good Weekendmagazine,visit our page at, and.