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“Thanks,” I replied,before quickly moving away. I could feel his eyes on me until I left the station.

That man came to mind while readinga column in this masthead on Tuesday on the modern-day difficulties of complimenting women. “There was a time when I felt comfortable giving a compliment to a woman on the street,” Christopher Bantick wrote. “I would say something like,‘You look very smart. I think your dress is lovely’.”

But these days,Bantick continued,he can’t give compliments to women in case they think he’s a creep. And it’s a shame because he only wants to be altruistic. “Receiving a compliment can be lovely”,he pronounced.

And he’s right. Receiving compliments can indeed be absolutely delightful when you feel safe,secure,and not harassed. So here is a guide for men who wish to give compliments to women without being cancelled or called a creep:

If the woman is a stranger,and you are walking past her in the street,do not give her a compliment. You may have only the best intentions,but you don’t know how she will interpret your approach. If you genuinely want to brighten her day,smile and step aside so that she knows you are not a threat. If there’s one thing we women enjoy more than a compliment,it’s feeling safe when we walk the streets.
If the woman is an acquaintance,but she is in her workplace,or if there is any sort of power imbalance between you,do not compliment her on her appearance. If you are her boss,if she is your boss,if she is your doctor or your bank manager or your child’s teacher or a barista trying to get through the workday without needing to ward off unwelcome attention from men,please refrain. If you really do want to brighten her day,be polite and respectful and let her do her job.
If the woman is a friend or family member,and there is no power imbalance,it’s fine to give her a compliment. Praise her hat,applaud her brooch,tell her you love her beautiful scarf. But – and this is a big but – do not compliment her body,ever,unless she is your romantic partner. “I love your bag!” is acceptable. “Great boots!” is delightful. But “Wow,nice bum!” is never OK,regardless of how nice the bum actually is.
What if you bump into a woman you haven’t seen for a while,and she has undergone a full body transformation? If you are very close,and you are sure she would welcome your feedback,you may tell her that she is looking well. If you are not absolutely sure she wishes to hear your opinion of her body,it is best to say nothing at all. And never,ever – and I can’t stress this enough,never – comment on a woman’s weight.

I understand that some men are struggling with the new rules of engagement. Can they evenlook at a woman these days without seeming like a creep?

“I had to give up trying to read statement T-shirts,” Bantick wrote,“after it became clear that trying to read the message ran the risk of offending the wearer.”

He makes a good point. It’s tricky to look at a woman’s cleavage for too long without seeming lascivious and creepy. The good news is that men aren’trequired to look at a woman’s cleavage;they can look up at her face instead. And,fortunately,most statement tees are only a few words,with slogans likeVote Yes,orJust Do It orMy Eyes Are Up Here!Men can glance at them,easily take in the information,think “cool tee”,and then look away.

It is still possible for men to give compliments to women. The world hasn’t gone completely mad. #MeToo hasn’t made the dating scene a minefield not worth navigating. Men can still find women attractive and vice versa,and we can even act upon it! What has changed,however,is the level of shit we women are willing to take. It’s not that things are getting worse for men,it’s that some very slow-won battles are being won for women. And men should love that and embrace it,should they wish to embrace us.

Women still like to be appreciated,we just put feeling safe above all else. What we would really like is for more men to be allies. We want them to fight for equal pay and representation,strive to end domestic violence,share the household chores and the burden of parenting.

We would compliment them on that.

Kerri Sackville is an author,columnist and mother of three. Her new book is The Secret Life of You:How a bit of alone time can change your life,relationships and maybe the world.

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